Lost happiness

Today I walked into my form class and after greeting my students was told by one of them, “You seem happier today, Miss Bell.” She reassured me, after I asked her if that meant I usually looked unhappy, that I was usually “this” – hand level with her nose – “happy” but today I seemed “this” – hand level with her forehead – “happy”. I felt mildly reassured but, to be honest, her observation left me thinking. I have not been happy at school recently, and it is troubling if, even for a moment, students are picking up on that.

About 5 weeks ago I was so discouraged by my Upper Sixes’ lack of care, respect and interest in their work that I told them to leave class and only come back to next week’s lesson if they were ready to engage and be responsible for their chosen subject of English Literature. The experience of kicking them out of class and the serious talk I gave them before I did left us all a little shell shocked.

Last week, 3 Upper Sixes who I knew and taught or supervised in extracurricular activities, lied to my face. They were part of a secret society at the school known for its humiliating interviews and one of them used this society as an excuse for her lie. At first I was furious, then, I was deeply saddened. What kind of people are we producing with our structures and systems in this school?

I dread my AS Literature lessons with my lower sixes. An hour and forty minutes of eleven pairs of eyes, six of which stare half closed with boredom and lack of any life; of pained sighs; of vain bribing and cajoling. I am frustrated and disappointed throughout. And, being so, I struggle to exude any joy for poetry or words or students.

I love my Form Four class – they are full of life and we have a good relationship. Then I went to their Form Four dance and not one came to say hello. The whole six hours. Okay, they’re teenagers – of course their friends are much more important than their English teacher. I understand that in my head. But still.

My dorm prefects do not seem to care about their role. They do not act like the role models and leaders I long for them to be. I feel as if I try so hard to make this a better, safer place for all who live here, and they just don’t care.

My disappointment with so many students and expecting so much more – sometimes just a little more – has sucked the happiness out of my teaching this last half term – and that is a terrible thing. If I can’t find joy in my classroom, where on earth do I go? What on earth do I do?

I long to teach in a place where students love to learn, where I am positively impacting, where relationships are meaningful, where students are encouraged to be kind and compassionate and just above everything else. I know in my heart there is no perfect school and perhaps much of my discouragement at the moment is in myself and my feeling of failure. They’re only sixteen/seventeen/eighteen. I’m the adult. I’m supposed to be the inspired, inspiring, happy one.

It is the end of term. A sorely needed holiday will, no doubt, give me some perspective and, hopefully, restore some happiness in the thing that gives me most joy in the world. Right now, let’s not think about school or students. Bring on the wine, chocolate and mind-numbing reality television.

Free-writing and changing school

I start every AS Language class with a free writing prompt and my students have to write for 4-5 minutes straight in response. They don't all love it and still at times groan when I tell them to take their journals out (you would have thought by Week 4 they would realise the daily routine but they're teenagers) but sometimes they write really beautiful, clever, quirky responses. Sometimes not. But sometimes.

I've known, since student teaching, that it is a good idea to join your students in writing. To show them that you value writing too and model it for them. But I've hardly ever done this. This is something I'm trying to change. One small way is to join this class in every writing prompt they do. And I'm finding that I really enjoy it. I love writing. I wish I was more disciplined to make time for it in my regular life. At the end of 5 minutes we have a sharing time and volunteers read their writing. They all have to do it at least once in the term but the more enthusiastic writers or sharers share frequently and I think this also helps those less inclined to be creative or fluent as they hear fairly decent, original writing out loud. Sometimes they ask me to share and I always do. I think they enjoy that too. The other day I shared mine even though they didn't ask and that was because it was important to me, and to them. So I thought I'd share it with you to. Remember, it is free-writing, unedited or perfected.


If I could change school. For Real!
I would make it full of students who wanted to learn. Who had love and joy of learning for learning's sake. Who were interested and engaged. Who didn't have to be motivated by what was going to be in the exams. I think I might abolish exams too. What else? I would get rid of hierarchies and privilege and respect for privilege's sake. I would have every person from the so-called bottom to the so-called top be treated with equal respect and dignity. No one would ever be humiliated. I would make it a place where every person felt safe, no matter who they were or what they had done. I would make it a place where every teacher always loved to teach because they loved their subject and their students and every student loved to learn. Just because.


Maybe this will grow into a well-thought through blog post one day. For now, it is freeing to just call it free-writing and end.