It
has been a long hiatus and I’m determined to get back to blogging regularly. I
mentioned in a previous post that last term was long and hard, the hardest of
my career yet. One of the reasons I’ve put off writing again is that I feel I
need to write about it but don’t feel a public blog is the place to do so directly or specifically.
So,
I wrote a poem. Originally I wrote it for the writing group I pretend to be
part of (pretend because I’m such a haphazard member, I’m not sure I can claim
belonging there).
Anyway,
it sums up, perfectly metaphorically my feelings at the end of last term. I’ve
moved beyond them a little now and am delighting again in teaching and my
students; but things have changed. I have changed. I have grown and been
stretched, and that is not always pleasant and hardly ever easy. I’ve had to
re-examine some of my core beliefs about people, my teaching, my students, my
classroom and how they all connect. And it has not been nice. God, though,
remains faithful and good. Through all.
The
ground I used to know
The
mist is clearing
from
a grey dream
that
was full of dark shapes
and
people I thought I knew
but
who wore different clothes
Waking
above the fog
I
can feel the bruises
from
the reality of this dream.
They
will heal
In
time, I think.
But
there are deeper wounds
old
ones, reopened,
I
can feel my limp will be back
I
can breathe now
In
and out
Deeply.
The
air in my dream was stiff
It
caught in my throat
and
made me gasp.
But
I
don’t know how to get down
from
this narrow platform,
where
I stand
far
above the ground I used to know.
I’m
not used to being so high
to
not feeling the ground,
I
cannot even see it
below
me.
There
is nothing to hold on to
anymore
nothing
beneath my feet that is sure,
a
cold platform that trembles as I inch to the edge.
I
need to step off
I
know
There
is no other way down
But
I cannot see what is in the mist
And
I’m afraid:
What
if the ground is not there
or
has changed shape
again
or
does not hold me
and
I sink
back
into the mud of sleep that
left
me hurt
and
scared
and
alone
up
here?
I
want to get down
But
I cannot step off right now.
25 April, 2014
